Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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