also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
