i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
