God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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