Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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