He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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