Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he shaved USA in his pubs
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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