It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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