i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
