I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize