the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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