Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
