Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize