I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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