I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize