I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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