Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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