Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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