It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
ugly people sure do ruin things
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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