he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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