I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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