im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize