I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
