I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
