Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
