1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
