Don't you send me to vm
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
