Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
