The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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