Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
