it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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