Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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