listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
