I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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