I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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