i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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