Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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