Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
