i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize