bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
