You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
