i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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