Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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