Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
