omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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