Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
