Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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