Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
