i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
