I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
