what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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