the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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