He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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