I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
