I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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