Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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