I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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