A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
