I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
